Six Pornstars You Wish You Could Take Home

Editors Note : This article is NSFW, although I assume you knew that when you clicked on something with the word “pornstars” in the title. There is no nudity, but the language is pornriffic. Enjoy!

Let’s face it, the only thing holding us guys back from having a relationship with a pornstar is that fact that they do things like dp, suck balls, eat ass, lick toes, anal, fish hook tiger drop nose Kurt Douglassinator joons…. don’t get me wrong, all those things are great if they weren’t doing it 500 times with random dudes every single day.

We want to date pornstars without all that baggage that goes with the chick being a pornstar.  Here’s a list of 6 girls we wish weren’t pornstars, but kept all the same kinky traits of a pornstar.


stoya 560x840

This 5ft 7in, 120lb, green eyed chick is artsy, natural, sexy, kinky, and smart. She came from a liberal arts background and of course fell into porn by way of the ol’ “nude modeling for class” trick.  She’s got all the qualities of the prototype hipster girlfriend except that she sucks cock for a living (which might be cool if American Apparel does an ad about it).

FABRICATED FANTASY: When she’s not taking it up the ass, I imagine Stoya and I smoking Lucky Strikes, listening to Talking Heads while viewing Godard and reading the latest Klosterman book.  Hipster overload.

Ashli Orion


This sweet, young looking vixen is fun, willing, and enjoys nothing more than pleasing your dick.  She’ll do professionals, strangers, midgets, and probably animals.  When she’s not holding tight onto two pogo sticks, she enjoys rollerskating, the beach, and potato chips.

FABRICATED FANTASY: Ashli and I would go bowling.  She’d be wearing a high skirt and we’d be drinking PBR and taking shot off each others stomach.  She will take me to the bathroom where she will either a). give me a blowjob or b). puke, making me hold up her hair.  Either way, we both bowl a 300 and she’d be playing with her gum all night.

Mindy Main

mindy main 01 560x814This 23 year old bisexual Taurus is sweet, yet sophisticated when it comes to understanding humans.  She prides herself as being a listener and reading the latest psychology studies. When she’s not enjoying two dicks stuffed in her mouth, she enjoys talking to people and understanding who they are so that she in turn can understand who she is.

FABRICATED FANTASY: Mindy and I would people watch in downtown Los Angeles. We’d watch people, have Allen/Keaton conversation that not only judged others but made us feel sad that we are judging.  We’d get sandwiches – chicken salad on rye – and we’d make-out near the Echo park lake for about an hour as the geese squawked along. I’d feel her boobs and she’d turn and ask me, “why?”

Rachel Roxxx

rachel roxxx the cockThis 24 year old cowboy wrangling wild child is one fine piece of hot sexy ass.  She’s a Texas chick with a “take all attitude”, a “foul mouth omg she just said that” spunk, and most importantly a big heart.  When she’s not getting blasted by fake dongs, Rachel enjoys watching bull riding, packing a can of snuff, and dressing her pit bull with ironic pink sweaters in 110 degree heat.

FABRICATED FANTASY: I would take Rachel to a bull riding contest where I would enter myself in the competition.  After being thrown by the bull, Rachel tosses her third hot dog on the ground and rushes from the stands to my side. She checks for my pulse by touching my dick.  She smiles.  I smile.  We run off to the back of my 1977 Pontiac Trans Am where she’d rip off my flannel, lick my chest and sack, and ride me until I cry.  We’d ride a horse back to my halfway home apartment off Hollywood and Sunset and we’d watch Smokey and the Bandit six times in a row.

Nikki Rhodes

107990This 27 year old, 5ft 1 redheaded cutie is your slutty answer to Isla Fischer.  Nikki is a dirty mouth, slutty fox who likes ice cream, candles because the “flickering is neat”, and at least 6 balls crammed deep into her tonsils.  She’s the type of girl you take to a diner and say it’s a fancy restaurant because she doesn’t know the difference.  When she goes to movies, she takes the opportunity to eat sour patches and get herself off.

FABRICATED FANTASY: Nikki and I would see a rom-com chick flick. I try the classic “popcorn trick” on Nikki and she wastes no time with my stupid game. She jerks me off, while sucking my nipples as Hugh Grant bumbles on about God knows what. We skip out when the next movie comes on featuring Dane Cook.

Tori Black

tori black 0001 560x819This 26 year old, classy sexy broad is the hottest piece of ass on the porn scene today.  She’s the type of girl you want to cover in a mink coat while you feed her oysters.  Don’t get me wrong: this bitch is a slut.  As much as she enjoys fine dining and nice clothes, she enjoys black dick, anal and everything else a little bit more.  When she’s not trying to swallow an 18 incher, she’s working out, hitting the clubs, and shagging whatever LA’s douchiest douche noggle with the thickest wallet.

FABRICATED FANTASY: I would rent an an expensive hotel for me and Tori in NY… 1,000, no, 2,000 floors up.  We make love all night which would include: anal, 69, rimjobs, and a few things I can not disclose.  We order two filet mignons and eat them while 69ing each other.  We share some cheesecake and mock how this expensive hotel doesn’t even get HBO.

[note: I did not get through making this list without masturbating]