Top Ten Stripper Roles That Answerered Our Prayers (Sort Of)

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It was announced that Kristen Stewart will be momentarily leaving her world of sparkling vampires for one full of dollar bills and poor lighting. This fall from innocence is nothing new for the young actresses of Hollywood, in fact many legitimate stars have taken their share of pole-heavy parts. Sometimes it just seems like a desperation maneuver for some easy publicity, but there are magical times when the casting is the result of nothing more than studio executives giving the people what they want. The problem is, we’re still never fully satisfied with what they give us.

10

Amy Smart
Crank: High Voltage

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Although Crank left everyone wanting more, the sequel announcement was met with mixed reviews. The reveal that Amy Smart’s character would not only be back, but return as a master of the erotic arts managed to turn a couple more heads in the right direction, but the final result left a lot to be desired. Her actual screen time as a stripper is as long as an insurance advertisement only only slightly more erotic. Not only did her scene in Road Trip up the ante in terms of nudity, but that movie was actually watchable too.

9

Demi Moore
Striptease

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Striptease delivered in terms of the actual stripping and teasing, but also gave us a lot of things we didn’t want: like a story. We were delivered the adaptation of a novel which revolved around a single mom’s custody battle and some type of political scandal. Part of the allure of strippers is that they are no-strings-attached entertainment. When you make a movie all about the strings, the audience comes to thing of the stripper as a real person with feelings and emotions. That just takes the fun out of everything.

8

Rose McGowan
Planet Terror

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Grindhouse was supposed to be a gore-filled boob-fest (at least we wanted it to be), and although it delivered in terms of cheese, blood, and other exploitation film traditions, it seriously dropped the ball with regards to the “sexploitation” aspect. The objectification of women was a very real and very integral part of these films and although we got some nice shots of Fergie and a slick pole-dancing opening with Rose McGowan, there was a serious lack of gratuitous sex-ocity and boob-ification.

7

Marisa Tomei
The Wrestler

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Similar to Striptease, The Wrestler places a beautiful actress in a stripper role that delivers, but manages to totally bum you out in the process. If the scene doesn’t involve fishnets and platform heels, you can bet it’s depressing as hell. This is a world so tragic and unfair, that even strippers turn this guy down. When you’re even rejected by those that are willing to bump and grind for mere dollars, why even wake up in the morning?

6

Selma Hayek
From Dusk Till Dawn & Dogma

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Selma Hayek has played a stripper in multiple movies, but even combined her actual time on the stage is only about as long as it takes to head up a couple Hot Pockets. From Dusk Till Dawn pairs her with a giant snake and turns her into a vampire. Dogma pairs her with Silent Bob and turns her into Serendipity. Both of these “twists” happen before she manages to take her top off, which seems like a strange choice considering she’s no stranger to nudity in the past, both movies are R-rated, and let’s face it, everyone wanted it to happen anyway.

5

Elizabeth Berkley
Showgirls

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At first, the hilarious contrast of Berkley’s role on Saved by the Bell with her stripper persona seemed like a sexy enough idea, but somewhere along the lines you almost start to feel bad that this uppity feminist has resorted to stripping for a guy that epitomizes douchery. It was all acceptable until that sex scene in the pool, after that almost everyone just seems to ask “seriously, what is she doing?” If I wanted to feel bad watching someone perform for me and lose all dignity in the process, I would just head to a real strip club or watch Jersey Shore.

4

Natalie Portman
Closer

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Queen Amidala as a stripper? Not exactly. Portman’s character is found at a strip club by her ex, but by the time you get that far into the movie you’re either engrossed in the narrative, or you gave up trying to follow it and got hammered waiting for the action (Pro Tip: there isn’t any). Although it is a good movie, if you rented it looking for Natalie Portman’s stripper moments, you’ll end up more disappointed than the first time you saw The Phantom Menace.

3

Lindsay Lohan
I Know Who Killed Me

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If you told the average male that Lindsay Lohan was going to play a stripper in a movie a five years ago, people would have lost their minds. By the time I Know Who Killed Me came out, most people were just impressed she managed to stay out of jail long enough to film something. The one-time wholesome starlet burned her reputation in a mix of cocaine, drunk driving, and dropping weight faster than an MMA fighter before a weigh-in. If she were to play a stripper as a follow up to her Mean Girls popularity, guys would have been all over that like 2009 LiLo on cheap, lesbian publicity. Good idea, wrong time for the execution.

2

Jessica Biel
Powder Blue

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Is Jessica Biel sexy? Yes. Are her stripping scenes in Power Blue sexy? Hell yes. Does she deliver the goods in terms of nudity? You bet your ass. The problem? These moments of the film are few and far between, and the rest is a convoluted ensemble drama that desperately wants to be Crash or Babel, but instead falls flat all around. How bad is Powder Blue? Daddy Day Care managed to get a higher approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes. If you want to sit through an hour and a half of shitty movie for six minutes of stripping go ahead, but there’s a much better better time vs. sexiness investment in your average late-night cable skin flick.

1

Jessica Alba
Sin City

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When it was announced that Sin City was being adapted into a movie, comic book nerds went crazy with anticipation. When it was revealed that Jessica Alba was cast as Nancy Callahan, a character who spends a great majority of her on-panel time topless, for a brief second even the most skeptical agnostics believed in a higher power. Then, it all came crashing down when she confirmed that although she’ll be playing a highly erotic stripper character, she will do this without actually shedding any clothes. The movie still turned out good, but some of us still get a bitter taste in our mouths when we watch her scenes on the screen and just imagine what could have been.

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