The Worst Fake Nude Celebrity Photos
During our constant travels through the wastelands of the internet, we run across some pretty horrifying things. Usually, it’s goatse or horse porn, but occasionally it’s something more notable. Being employed to provide humorous content for this website, it’s our duty to take these notable horrible things and make them into humorous, informative articles. That’s why, when we saw this picture, it gave us immediate pause.
Yes, that’s the floating head of TV’s Hayden Panetierre. No, that is not her off-kilter bosom. That’s what we’re here to discuss.
There’s something really enticing about the thought of seeing a previously not-nude celebrity in the buff. We can understand that. We can understand the desire to see said not-nude celebrity engaging in hot, sweaty intercourse with someone (come on, Kiera Knightley sex tape). We can even get why people go to so much trouble to photoshop a celebrity’s head onto the body of a hardcore porn actress engaged in what can only be described as improbable acts of a lascivious nature, and why they fill gallery upon gallery with these ‘shopped sex pics.
What we don’t get is why there’s so many shitty ones.
Riddle us this, Batreader: how sexy do you find, say, Allyson Hannigan?
Pretty hot, right? Well, here’s another one to mull over: how sexy do you find, say, Allyson Hannigan’s tiny, discolored, misshapen head attached at an unnatural angle to what is actually a less attractive naked body than what we imagine is going on underneath the real actress’ clothes?
Right then. Moving on.
You know what we here at Gunaxin like in our ladies? Brains. Well, looks, money and then brains, but whatever. Off the top of your head, name one celebrity who has those qualities. Got one in mind? Okay. On three, flip your cards.
That’s right. Natalie Portman. Classy, smart, talented, caring and mind-numbingly hot, Miss Portman is our ideal woman. She’s so fantastic, in fact, that we were actually physically angered to find fake nudes of her while researching for this article. Why were we so pissed? Well, for one thing, in our minds a sharp lady like Natalie doesn’t indulge in violent BDSM in her off hours.
We’d like to take this moment to send a special message to the hack who slapped this abomination together: Up yours, dick.
We’re not quite sure what exactly is the worst thing about this picture. Maybe it’s the too-small body, the portly dipshit with chicken legs and back trouble (also, that black square is blocking both a penis and a hand, but mostly just a hand), or the blurry, sorrowful image they chose of Miss Portman. The only possible way they could have made this any worse is if they used a still image from The Professional.
While we’d never lavish the same praise on her as we have Natalie Portman, we still have to admit that Megan Fox is pretty damn high on the babe scale. We’ll be charitable and call her an actress, and forget that she’s been boning Brian Austin Green for a few years, because seriously:
She’s already pretty close to naked in that picture as is, which is really the entire point. Once you see someone full-frontal, there’s a certain mystique that gets lost in the shuffle. That mystique, on the other hand, had never occurred to the artist who created this:
In the interest of full disclosure, we have to admit we’re not entirely sure that’s even really Megan Fox’s face. We guess it could be some computer-generated image of what the love child of Angelina Jolie and Alyssa Milano might look like, but it’s tagged as being Megan Fox, so we’ll just have to take their word for it. We give this one extra points for the pale bulging thing connecting her head to what might be a blurry Adam’s apple.
While we might catch a little flack for this, we feel obligated to admit a slight distaste for Cameron Diaz. All things being equal, sure, she’s sort of cute in a weird, maybe-if-I-was-shitfaced kind of way. But honestly, she’s not terribly good-looking, and the years are piling on mercilessly and bringing more than a few ugly sticks along for good measure.
But even factoring in our admitted bias against Miss Diaz, we still find it pretty insulting to find this on our internet:
Not only is this a picture that even in its original form lacked any sort of noticeable appeal, it’s also a picture that shows an ugly, deep-seeded truth about its creator. Not only does this person find Cameron Diaz attractive, his ultimate fantasy is apparently the version of Cameron Diaz who wears platform tennis shoes and is profoundly, cataclysmically retarded.
Now, for our next example, we have to say we acknowledge the rationality for why fake naked pictures of this actress exist. She’s sexy as all hell, true, but she’s also pretty modest in most of her films. A bookish, shy brunette who exudes sexuality without even trying, Sandra Bullock is crazy-hot, but also usually crazy-covered. So we’ll give most of the creators of such pics a pass on this one.
But if you’re going to insult someone by creating a picture of them being railed from behind, at least have the decency to make it a good picture:
It’s like an RC Sandra Bullock head got away from its pilot and drifted onto the set of what looks like the most boring porn ever.
Jennifer Connelly has been around long enough that it should come as no surprise that people want to see her jibblies. She’s one of those women who, just by looking at her, you know is a beast in the sack. So calm and reserved, yet naturally possessed of that devilishly sexy grin that the Megan Foxs of the world fail so often at emulating, Jennifer is just plain ball-flatteningly gorgeous.
Whatever interest you might have in her jibblies, whether it be “meh” or “godpleaseshowmethejibbles” you may want to avoid this next picture. Just go get a cup of coffee or a donut or a lobotomy. No? Suit yourself:
See, this doesn’t even really look like Jennifer Connelly. It’s more like an artist’s conception of what Demi Moore would look like if, instead of being a Hollywood star, she spent her days as a Dollar Store cashier and her nights as Big Bertha, Destroyer of Stripper Poles.