Who’s the Hottest in Lord of the Rings?

By Ben Sumner (@benjaminsumner) on January 5th, 2011

There are only three women in Lord of the Rings, not counting very minor characters, which creates a burden for the heterosexual male fans of the trilogy. George Lucas understood this and created Slave Leia for Star Wars: Return of the Jedi, but J.R.R. Tolkien didn’t do anything like that in any of Bilbo or Frodo’s adventures, which is the absolute worst thing about the story.

So, we’re left to ogle Arwen, Eowyn, and Galadriel, played by hotties Liv Tyler, Miranda Otto, and Cate Blanchett. Only three. Let’s look at the contestants, then VOTE AT THE BOTTOM.

Arwen

Pros: Arwen is great at horse riding and summoning water. She’s an elf, and will live forever.

Cons: Her real father looks like this…

Not much of a con, I know, but hard to shake that face.

Ends up with: Aragorn

Arwen Music Video: Led Zeppelin’s “Thank You”

The best Arwen statue available is from Sideshow Collectibles, which didn’t skimp on the boobage.

Eowyn

Pros: She’s good at sword fighting and stabs the Morgul Lord Witch King in the face. Also, her catch phrase is “I am no man,” which guys appreciate to know but it doesn’t really do much for them when they hear it announced.

Cons: She’s not a good cook, according to Aragorn.

Ends up with: Faramir.

Eowyn Music Video: No Doubt’s “I’m Just a Girl”

It’s unfortunate that this is the ‘hottest’ statue of Eowyn available. Quite a tom boy.

Galadriel

Pros: Like Arwen, she’s an elf and can live forever.

Cons: She turns turquoise when she gets mad.

Ends up with: No one, but Gimli was the only one who had a crush on her.

And yes, there is even an action figure for Galadriel when she looks like this.

Galadriel Music Video: Evanescence’s “Everybody’s Fool”

Here’s one statue of Galadriel, wearing whore lipstick.

Before you vote, think very carefully about this. If you could spend the rest of your life with only one of these women, would it be the brunette elf, the blonde elf who can change colors, or the tomboy?

[poll id="233"]

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Ben Sumner

Contributor at Gunaxin Media LLC

I have an unhealthy obsession with Muppets, Lord of the Rings and Star Wars. I take out my frustrations on people on the hockey rink using traditional Korean martial arts. I'm prejudiced against hipsters.