Five Hot 80s Actresses Who Just Disappeared
For a lot of people, the 80s represent the time of Reaganomics, the fall of the Soviet Union, the rise of Michael Jordan, and, of course, the utter dominance of the airwaves enjoyed by Journey. But for some of us, the 80s were about more than that. After all, this was the decade that gave us Indiana Jones, Back to the Future, Die Hard and the revelation that Darth Vader was both Luke’s dad and, more shockingly, white.
The 80s also gave us plenty of ridiculously hot actresses. Unfortunately, some of them apparently went MIA as soon as the 90s rolled around. That doesn’t mean we still can’t celebrate their total foxiness, does it?
5) Joyce Hyser – Just One of the Guys
You may not remember Just One of the Guys, as it’s the least famous film from this list. However, your memory may be jogged if we say “it’s that film about that hot chick with big boobs who pretends to be a boy and, in the process, looks a little like Ralph Macchio and pisses off Johnny Lawrence.” Okay, forget that Macchio part, that just makes this whole entry creepy.
You might also remember the movie’s poster, which featured its star, the super hot Joyce Hyser, covering said boobs with a couple of football helmets. Seriously, it looked like the cover to a porno or something. Considering the movie was kind of, well, bad, it’s not a big surprise that about the biggest role Hyser had following the film was a 10 episode run on LA Law, where she likely had to fend off the lecherous advances of Jimmy Smits. Just kidding. It was Corbin Bersen she had to worry about.
4) Lisa Eilbacher – Beverly Hills Cop
Hey, remember the chick in Beverly Hills Cop who supposedly grew up with Axel Foley in Detroit despite the fact that she was a super hot blonde who would have fit in around the hood about as well as, well, a super hot blonde? Which is to say, not well.
Well that was Lisa Eilbacher, who popped up in a bunch of TV shows in her younger years and hasn’t been heard from since some 1995 TV movie called Dazzle. And man, did she look good wearing blouses that hung open throughout the film or laying seductively on Axel’s hotel bed. Of course it makes us wonder about Axel that his childhood pal who grew up to be a total fox threw him a total “I wanna bone you” vibe and all he did was concern himself with the idea of sticking a banana in some dude’s tailpipe…
3) Amanda Peterson – Can’t Buy Me Love
Ah, Can’t Buy Me Love. The age-old tale of a nerd who would grew up to be a dreamy TV doctor and the sexy blonde he secretly pines after while mowing her lawn. Of course, when that blonde is the super hot Amanda Peterson, we can’t say we really blame ol’ Ronnie Miller, and when fortune smiles upon him and he has the opportunity to basically turn her into his personal escort for a month, he jumps on it.
And of course, for some reason, despite the fact that he treated her like a ho and banged her slutty friends, she runs right back into the geek’s arms at the end of the film. Probably a combination of the fact that she had the foresight to see that he’d grew up to be “McDreamy” and the next best thing at her school was that Rico Suave dude.
2) Lorie Griffin – Teen Wolf
You know that scene at the end of Teen Wolf? You know, right after Scott Howard leads his team to victory in equal parts miraculous and ludicrous fashion, and someone is standing in the bleachers with their fly open? Yeah, it’s right around that point when for God knows what reason, Scott Howard chooses something called a “Boof” over Lorie Griffin, aka one of the hottest blondes from the 80s to never do anything ever again.
Seriously, what male who grew up in the 80s doesn’t remember the scene when Scott visits her in the dressing room, just before she gets her bestiality on? Griffin has exactly seven titles on her IMDb resume, with the most recent coming in 1993 and the most intriguing being Cheerleader Camp, which is probably at least twice as awesome as it sounds.
1) Phoebe Cates – Fast Times at Ridgemont High
There are a couple of reasons why Phoebe Cates gets the top spot. Not only was (is?) she ridiculously hot, but she’s the only actress on this list who had anything resembling a career, and enjoyed a little bit of fame. Not only was she the object of Judge Reinhold’s fantasy in arguably the most famous masturbation scene in film history (right up there with the one in Casablanca, if you ask us), but she also co-starred in Gremlins, which makes her aces in our book.
While her last on-screen performance was actually in 2001, but even that was a full seven years after her previous starring role in some atrocity called Princess Caraboo. Prior to that, her biggest post-80s films were Gremlins 2, which was actually a pretty hilarious sequel, and Drop Dead Fred. Now, suddenly, her career implosion suddenly makes a lot more sense. But damn, was she hot…